GTA V Online Episode 2: Leeroy Jenkins Doesn’t Work

This Would Never Have Happened to Ezio
Today’s session begins up in the Vinewood Hills. My car is a couple of streets below me so why don’t I just jump off this cliff and onto that roof to get to it qui— ah. That’s why. I jump. I miss the roof. I go SPLAT on the ground.

Running People Down
Drew respawns on the same road as his car. After retrieving it, I take him into town. There’s a player up ahead. He is loitering on the pavement so naturally I run him over. Twice. Amazingly, that doesn’t kill him. I’m not yet in the mood to take out other players so let him be and continue on.

High as a Fight
Rather than beat up other players, I want to to join a death match. This one takes place on some shipping containers hanging in the air high above the Maze Bank. There are three players in all and our weapons are limited to crowbars, baseball bats and knives.

During the course of the battle, Drew tries to stab thin air when his opponent is right behind him and manages to fall off the containers while under absolutely no pressure at all. What?? He is clearly unsettled by the unresolved question of what on earth is holding the containers up.

As a result of this uncertainty, Drew finishes the contest in third place having been thumped, whacked, shanked and fallen to his doom eighteen times. For his part, Drew killed his two opponents seven or eight times, but five of these kills were subtracted from his final score as a penalty for his regrettable habit of falling off the containers and splatting himself either on the side of the Maze Bank or in the city below.

An Important Call
Following the death match, Drew’s mobile phone starts to ring. It’s Creepy Lester Crest and he wants to invite Drew to his creepy house on Amarillo Vista in El Burro Heights. He has a proposition to make.

The Scenic Route
Lester maybe creepy, but he is also a source of missions, so Drew wastes no time in making his way to his house.

Ahem.

If truth be told, he does waste time – getting lost on the freeway as a result of me not being able to navigate. The satnav is no help – all that purple just confuses me. To get back on track, I go the wrong way up a one-way road, heading roughly east until the purple stops being spaghetti-ish and becomes a single straight line again.

Lester Crest
Lester lives in a cheap looking bungalow that is packed with computers and monitors. The man himself is overweight, balding, and – thanks to an unidentified medical condition – only able to walk with the use of a cane. It’s possible that he is also a pervert – one of his nicknames is Lester the Molester – for in single player mode he admits to spying on college girls using their webcams.

When he meets Drew, though, Lester is most simply socially awkward. He opens the meeting with some billy no-mates jokes before getting down to business. He tells Drew to invest in real estate (nice advice for someone with hardly any money and living in his car). He also says that if Drew wants someone dead, he need only call Lester who’ll put a bounty on target for him. And all he’ll charge is $1,000. In Los Santos, talk is cheap, but killing cheaper.

I don’t recall Lester saying anything about missions, but that doesn’t matter as I know I can now call him for them.

El Burro Heights (Simeon)
After leaving chez Crest, Drew jumps into another mission. This one is a repo job. Simeon wants him to take a car that is parked not far from where Lester lives. Fortunately, it doesn’t belong to the latter; he can probably remote control his own and would have no hesitation about driving Drew into the sea.

Instead, Drew has to snatch a car from underneath the watchful and, of course, malevolent gaze of a local gang. The car is parked a little way up their street. Drew could kill a few of the gangsters, take it and run; but he has a reputation to make. Instead, therefore, he works his way to the top of the street and make down again, killing the gang members one by one. One of them turns out to be a girl, which is always rather sad as women generally have more sense than men.

Despite spending most of the mission with his health in the red zone, Drew comes away with the car. He is driving happily down the road listening to FlyLo when a gang car screeches into view behind him. A firefight at a junction begins. Cars stop and collide but extraordinarily none of them hit Drew. He is able to kill the last gangsters and return the car to Simeon.

Friendly Greetings
Once this mission is over, I drive back to Vinewood where a number of players are in the middle of a ‘full and frank’ discussion concerning Right to Life issues. By which I mean, they are shooting each other up. Drew loves a debate from his days in academe so has to get involved with that.

The debate (battle) lasts ten or so minutes during which time Drew loses the argument (gets shot) several times. The worst moment is when a black clad person comes running towards him and I can’t tell if it is an NPC or not. It’s not! Drew shoots the man a few times but they have armour and a better gun and Drew goes down.

Flood in the LS River
My hour is almost up so I leave the orators to continue their ‘discussion’ and dive into two missions. The first is a drug bust in one of Los Santos’ storm drains.

I have one partner and for reasons best known to myself I decide to show off by launching into a Leeroy Jenkins attack. I crash through (okay, miss and drive straight past) the gang members, get the car stuck, climb out and promptly get shot. What my partner must be thinking, goodness knows – I’m glad I don’t use a headset.

Mission 2 (Gerald)
Unfortunately, I can’t remember what this mission is called. It was, however, another coke stealing job somewhere in the south-east of town. I have two partners for this one, but neither deigns to engage the drug dealers with me. Are they sniping? Possibly.

I get stuck in, and almost getshot up but manage to hold things together to claim the coke. No one attacks Drew on the way out so my partners must have taken care of them at least.

I drive back to Gerald’s place at high speed. Bad move as I promptly crash. I must say, though, that the pirouette Drew did afterwards was rather pleasing.

Beach Race
The less said about this the better. No, seriously. It started well, but I never recovered from my first crash and in the end finished well behind the first two racers.

***

So, that is the tale of Drew’s second recorded session (I did play during the week to earn some more money). He managed to acquire some more weapons but still has a long way to go in terms of proving himself an able gun user. Whatever Drew studied while in academe it was clearly not how to keep a level head in races or gunfights.

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